Dear Fuckers,

Letting less people watch baseball is the stupid. Please remit.

Sincerely,
Smash J. Bird

Do NOT fuck around with Jerry Hairston.

“There’s only one man you gotta please, and it’s the one upstairs. People even hated God and Jesus. That’ll tell you what all the critics do.”

“A guy hitting 50-60 homers … that’s great, but that still leaves him with 500-some at-bats when he isn’t hitting them. So the home run is great, but just the chances of it happening aren’t that great.”

From one of my favorite blogs, Tommy Lasorda’s World (emphasis mine):

Here we are, coming down the stretch, and what a season it has been. We had an average April, a great May, slumped a bit before the trading deadline as Ned Colletti and his staff made some outstanding moves and now, as we hold a three game lead in the National League West going into September are hotter than a Dominican trumpet player.

WTF?

Congratulations to Bud Selig on the most horrible idea of all time.

Travis Hafner hit a grand slam today. It was his fifth so far this year. Only 3 other players in the history of major league baseball have hit 5 grand slams in a season. We aren’t even at the All-Star break yet. This is amazing.

What’s even more amazing (and retarded) is that Travis Hafner won’t be playing in the upcoming All-Star Game. As a footnote to this post, I would like to include this letter to Ozzie Guillen:

Dear Ozzie Guillen,

As manager of the American League All-Stars, you got to pick some reserve players to stick on the roster. You could have picked Travis Hafner, but instead you went with a bunch of shitty guys from the White Sox.

YOU ARE FUCKING RETARDED.

Sincerely,
Joey

Before I moved to L.A. I just didn’t know how awesome it was to listen to a great announcer like Vin Scully. I’m watching the Dodgers-Giants game right now and Vin was just talking about a Giant who’s been moving back and forth between the San Francisco and their AAA team:

He may not know the way to San Jose, but he sure knows the way to Fresno.

Come on, that’s awesome.

I’m sure you already know about this, but crazy video blog Splideo has launched some awesome new features. Yes, you can now find stupid YouTube videos on Splideo and watch them without ever leaving the site! IT’S FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!!

The Bloggy Lasorda crew made it out to a couple of Dodger games this weekend to watch Jim Tracy’s Pittsburgh Pirates make some progress on what is now a 12 game losing streak (tying a franchise record set in 1939!).

We left Saturday night’s 7-0 blowout in the middle of the eighth (hey, it’s L.A.). In the parking lot, we walked right by a fat Hispanic guy and his entourage sauntering towards a Hummer limo. Since people were mobbing the guy for autographs, I assumed he was a telenovelas star (hey, it’s L.A.). In a stunning twist of fate it turned out to be disgraced major league free agent Sammy Sosa! For some reason, the first pitch of Saturday night’s game was thrown out by Leonel Fernández, President of the Dominican Republic and apparently Sammy Sosa was there to inject him with HGH before the Prez hit the mound.

On Sunday’s blisteringly hot afternoon game, we left even earlier and ran into Maria Bello with her husband (boyfriend?) and son and the parking lot. I only recognized her because the Dodgers put her up on the jumbotron earlier that day.

Anyway, it only seems natural to compare the work of these two stars:

Maria Bello (imdb)
Permanent Midnight
Auto Focus
The Cooler
A History of Violence

Sammy Sosa (imdb)
Kissing a Fool (Himself)
“Arli$$” (Himself, 1 Episode)
Hardball (Himself)
On the Line (Himself)

While Bello clearly has a lot of interesting, provocative and complex roles under her belt, Sosa’s fucking cornered the market on Sammy Sosa cameos! If you’re making a Lance Bass/Joey Fatone romantic comedy or an inspirational Keanu-Reeves-teaching-poor-black-kids-how-to-play-baseball movie, there’s only one guy you can count on to bring the Sosa.

All in all, this weekend was way better than that time we saw David Krumholtz by the ticket booth before the game.*

*I didn’t actually see him but I was told he walked right by me.